Why You Don’t Know What You Need (And Where That Started) (Podcast Episode 3)

Welcome to Not Good Enough Stuff. I’m Mary Beth Fox, licensed professional counselor.

And every week, we’ll question the messages planted by family, society, culture, and life experiences that shaped your identity and became the voice in your head.

We’ll explore how you got where you are, why you learn to see yourself the way you do, and call [ __ ] on the messages that were never true in the first place.

Because who you are and who you were shaped to be are not always the same. You will learn ways to begin returning to your true soul identity.

What Do You Need Right Now?

What do you need right now in this moment?

What do you need?

Are you able to answer that?

Why am I asking?

Because most people don’t know how to identify their needs.

I see this often with the clients that I work with when they are talking about situations that they’ve been through that are difficult and I ask them, “What did you need when that was happening?”

And most of the time I get a blank stare because they realize that not only in that moment, but even afterwards, they still have no idea what it was that they needed.

Why We Struggle to Identify Our Needs

So why do we not know what our needs are?

Well, I think that comes from childhood.

But you know, if you’ve been listening to me much, you know that I believe that the majority of the things that we struggle with come from our childhoods. And needs is absolutely one of those.

I think that adults who do not know what their needs are were children who were taught that their needs did not matter.

And what I mean by that is if they had an experience where something was really difficult for them and nobody really acknowledged it or if they talked to somebody about what happened and they wanted to cry about it, but the messages that they received were they shouldn’t be crying about it or you’re fine.

Nothing happened to you. there’s nothing wrong. You’re okay.

Then they start thinking, well, this need to cry is wrong. I shouldn’t feel that way. I shouldn’t have that need.

What Happens When Childhood Needs Are Not Met

Let’s look at some other examples of when we are children and our needs are not met.

So I can think about when I was a child and I’ve heard many people have similar experiences of growing up in homes where they didn’t really get affection and that was true for me.

So think about your own childhood.

What was affection like?

Were you given affection?

Did you know that if you needed a hug or needed to be told that you were loved, did you get that?

Well, for children who didn’t, one of two things happens. And this is not just for affection. This is for the majority of needs.

When your need is not met as a child, we go two directions if it continues to not be met.

The first direction is we push harder and harder and harder for that need to be met.

The other way that we go is when our needs are not met and we consistently learn that they’re not going to be met.

We then decide we shouldn’t have the need to begin.

Think about your own life and when you were a child.

What are the things that you needed that you didn’t get?

And how did you respond to those needs not being met?

And how does that still affect you today?

Mary Beth’s Childhood Experience

I’m going to use myself as an example.

When I was a little girl, we had some things happen at the house and within my family that were pretty traumatic for a young child.

And I remember being so scared and everything that I knew about safety and family in just one night was completely gone.

And the next morning, I remember wanting to sit and talk about what happened. I had questions.

I wanted somebody to pick me up, hold me, hug me, say, “I love you. It’s okay to cry. I’ve got you.

And that’s not what I got.

And when I even could say that that was what I needed, I was then, I guess, shamed for having those needs.

And I’m not saying anything against my parents because they didn’t know how to do this. They didn’t know how to meet my needs. They didn’t know how to meet their own needs either.

But for me to consistently have these needs that were not met, I then stepped back and started thinking that there was really something wrong with me.

Why would my mother not want to hug me?

Why would my family not want to listen to me about what I was feeling?

Why would they not tell me I love you when I told them that’s what I needed?

Well, just like what happens for most children, I decided that that meant there was something wrong with me, that I was not lovable, that I was not good enough to deserve for my needs to be met.

How Unmet Needs Follow Us Into Adulthood

So, let’s follow that out into adulthood for me.

And as I’m talking about this, I want you to think about the ways not having your needs met in childhood are still affecting you today.

So let’s look at say my mid20s.

I spent so much time and energy paying attention to the needs of others and doing everything within my power to meet their needs no matter the cost to me.

I was exhausted. I was miserable. I was depressed.

And I worked really hard to cover all of that up.

And a way to try to get my needs met was by meeting other people’s needs.

And I thought, well, if I do all of these things for them, surely they are going to meet my needs, too.

They’re going to see that I also need somebody to come over and sit with me if I’m sad.

I also need somebody to check on me.

If I tell somebody I am having a hard time, I also need them to show that they care.

I remember thinking, you know, they are just horrible. They don’t care about me. They just want me to give everything to them and here I am again.

Now, it does not mean that these people were bad people.

What it means is that I was continuing the pattern from childhood of finding people who could not meet my needs.

And not only that, but I was also teaching these people whose needs I continually met that I didn’t have any needs.

Because if I was always there for them and always doing for somebody else and just casually mentioning something I needed, but then the focus coming right back on to what I could do for them and what they needed and how I was going to help them.

Then how is there room for them to meet my needs?

If that is the case, they are not to blame.

really you’re not to blame either.

It’s the unmet needs from your childhood coming back up because they were never met to begin with.

The Ways We Try to Handle Unmet Needs

And when we are not taught how to get our needs met in healthy ways because they weren’t met in childhood, then we either try to get the needs met in unhealthy ways like I did or we just decide that we don’t really have any or if we do have them that they don’t matter as much as somebody else’s.

Which one of those do you relate to the most?

How do you feel about communicating your needs to others?

Do you feel needy?

Do you feel like you are a burden?

Do you feel like if you ask for what you need, nobody is going to give it?

Those can be a few of the reasons that we don’t ask for our needs to be met.

And then underneath all of that is the not good enough stuff.

those feelings of not being good enough, that we don’t deserve for our needs to be met, we’re not good enough for somebody to take the time to give us what we need, or that we just shouldn’t have needs at all, and that if we do, there’s something really wrong with us because nobody else has needs like I do.

If you have that thought, please know that’s [ __ ] because we all have needs.

everybody.

The Myth of Not Needing Anyone

And if you’re one of those who thinks that you are so independent and you don’t need anybody, I’m calling [ __ ] on that, too.

And I can say that because I was one of those people, too.

I remember a few years before I got married, I would tell people, I am a strong independent woman and I have this job and I’ve done this and I don’t need a man for anything.

I would like a man, but I don’t need a man.

I I am fine without one.

Well, that was and never is true because we need others.

It is an innate human need for us to have needs from others.

And so if you’re in that camp and you think you’re so independent, you don’t need anything from anybody.

I want to explain how I kind of made that shift to see that I absolututely do need my husband. I do need my friends. I do need people.

And here are some of the ways that I need those people.

Healthy Interdependence

for my husband.

I am very type B and I kind of live in the clouds and I have this big dream and that big dream and I’m going to do this and oh, I’m off to do this and I don’t plan and oh, one minute.

Oh, let’s go do this. This will be wonderful and oh, do you know what I’m going to do next?

And I love that about me and it’s wonderful and it’s a lot of the reasons that I have been able to do all of the things in my life.

But I need my husband to help me get grounded.

I need my husband who is very logical to help me think through these big grand ideas to determine the best way for me to do them and the best way for me to be able to do them without running myself into the ground.

I need my friends to be able to listen to me.

I need my friends to listen to me vent.

I need my friends to show me the ways that they support me.

I need so many people for so many things and there should never be any shame in anybody needing somebody.

To me, the shame is pretending that you don’t need anybody because that makes for a very miserable life.

Communicating Your Needs

So, I hope by now you’re kind of thinking about what you need other people for, the ways that you have needed other people and maybe not let them know.

And when we don’t communicate our needs, then nobody knows how to meet them.

And so if you sit and get angry about people not knowing what you need or you want because they should, I really want you to think about you are setting yourself and them up for failure and do you feel like your needs don’t matter?

If you’re saying yes to that, then I want you to answer this question.

Who said so?

Where did you learn that your needs don’t matter?

I think the answer always lies in childhood because your needs were not met or not met consistently enough or in the ways that you needed when you were a child and then you grow up thinking that your needs don’t matter.

Free Guide Break

Before we continue, if today’s episode is resonating with you, I’ve created a free therapist written guide to help you understand where your not good enough beliefs came from and why they’ve stayed with you for so long.

You can download it free at the innerchild theapist.com.

Now, let’s get back to today’s episode.

The Cost of Meeting Everyone Else’s Needs

Another way this shows up is for those of you who are always meeting everybody else’s needs, think about the ways that that affects you.

How much of your time, energy, and money do you spend meeting everybody else’s needs?

Be honest and answer that.

And now answer this.

How much time, energy, and money do you spend meeting your own needs?

If the first is a lot more than the second, then Houston, we’ve got a [ __ ] problem.

Because if you continue, and you probably know this, I’m not telling you anything new, but if you continue doing everything to meet everybody else’s needs and you continue not meeting your own needs or allowing others to meet your needs, then at some point you are going to crash.

And whatever the way that is that you crash is unpredictable.

It could be your health.

You could get sick.

You could decide to just disconnect from the world and stop really living your life.

And if you feel like I am talking to you right now, guess what?

I am.

And if you feel like I’m being really tough, guess what?

I am.

But I’m doing this because I know what it’s like to live that life.

And I don’t want that life for anybody else because I spent too many years doing that.

And I was not living.

Are You Truly Living?

So if you are relating to this, ask yourself if you are living.

Are you truly living?

If you’re spending the majority of your time, energy, and money taking care of everybody else and not taking care of yourself, the next step or question I guess to that is, do you even know what living is?

What would living be like to you?

Because what I have found to be true for people is that when we don’t know how to get our needs met and we don’t allow others to meet our needs or that we don’t think we have needs or we think that our needs don’t matter is that we also don’t know what truly living and enjoying life would actually look like for us?

Are you doing things to live?

If you fast forward yourself 10 years from now and you look back, would you be able to say that you were truly living your life?

Most people can’t.

And I think the way to begin truly living your life is learning how to identify your needs.

Learning how to communicate your needs.

Learning how to get your needs met and how to meet your own needs is the secret to living life.

How to Begin Identifying Your Needs

When I’m talking about getting your needs met and identifying your needs, do you kind of just draw a blank?

Do you think I don’t know what I need or I don’t need anything.

If so, that’s not true.

First of all, we always have needs.

But if you relate to that, then I want you to think about what other people’s needs are that you meet.

The reason I want you to think about the needs you meet for other people is because I believe those are actually the needs you have.

And the reason that you are meeting those needs for other people is that you see their needs and you know their needs well because those are the needs for you that are not being met.

So what do you do for other people?

Do you call and check on them?

Do you show up when they’re having a tough time?

Do you go help them clean their house if they are struggling and just overwhelmed and can’t get it done?

Do you go and take somebody’s child on a playd date because they need a break?

What do you do to meet others needs?

And why?

because you recognize the needs in others that are not met in you.

So when you say you don’t know what your needs are or that you don’t have any or that you can get them met yourself or whatever you tell yourself, step back and think about the needs you meet for other people because I promise you those are the needs that you have that are not being met.

No Need Is Stupid

I will also say this, there is no need that is stupid or that you should be ashamed of or any of that unless it’s something dangerous, hurting somebody, illegal, all of that.

But your needs matter and they are important.

And even if you have a need that feels like it is childish, I’m going to agree with you.

Probably is childish.

But I don’t mean childish in the sense that most people think.

What I mean by a need being childish is that it is a need that was not met in your childhood.

And so that need from childhood wasn’t met and is still unmet and your inner child is still needing you to get it met.

Meeting Childhood Needs as an Adult

So, I do a lot of things that for a lot of people would seem childish and I love it and I enjoy it.

So, for example, I hide behind the stairwell.

I hide behind curtains to jump out and scare my husband and my child because as a child, I had a need for somebody to play and be silly with me.

And I’m the youngest of three.

And so a lot of times they didn’t want to play with me. I was a little bratty sister, I suppose.

And there was so much going on in our home that I needed somebody to be silly with me.

And so when I do that with my family now, that is a childish need that I am getting met and enjoying.

And getting that met is part of me truly living life because it’s fun.

When I go and sit at our land, I sit there with my son and I pick up rocks and I just chunk them and we compete as to who can throw them the farthest.

Now, that is also a need that I had as a child for me to be able to show somebody how I could do something.

And I watch my son and he gets excited for me when I throw one really far.

And so then he tries to see if he can throw it that far.

Yes, it’s a childish need, but it is being met in a way that I needed it to be met as a child.

and it is fun for me.

Make a List of Your Needs

So, what are your needs?

Even if they’re childish, what are they?

I really hope that you will start paying attention to what your needs are.

Hell, write a list.

Make a voice memo when you think of one, whatever.

And if you really, really do struggle with that, again, ask yourself what the needs are of other people that you meet.

What are you doing for others?

Because those are your needs.

because you know how to meet them for others because they haven’t been met for you.

You Deserve to Have Needs

And as I wrap up, I want to say this again that if you want to tell me that you have no needs or that you don’t need anything from anybody, then I’m going to tell you that I have a lot of sadness and compassion for you because that is a lonely way to live.

And you deserve to have your needs met.

You deserve to have needs and you deserve to allow other people to meet your needs.

So identify one need today that you have and figure out a way to get it met.

Whether that’s you meeting it or asking somebody else to meet it.

When Someone Cannot Meet Your Need

And one more thing, before you ask somebody else to meet a need that you have, make sure that you are okay with them not being able to meet the need and that you can understand that it may not mean anything about you.

But one, they may not be capable of doing that.

And two, they may have something going on in their life right now that means they can’t meet it for you.

And three, they may not know the best way to meet that need for you.

And that is okay.

So before you ask other people to meet your needs, make sure that you’re okay knowing it doesn’t say anything about you if they can’t meet your need.

And make sure that you know a way to get that need met if somebody else can’t.

and know that you deserve to get your needs met.

And as always, remember you are good enough.

You always were and you always will be.

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It helps more people discover the Not Good Enough Stuff framework and these conversations.

New episodes are released every Tuesday.

If you need reminders between episodes to keep questioning the messages that shaped you, follow me on social media at the inner child therapist.

You’ll also find my blog, newsletter, and free resources at the innerchild theapist.com.

All of the links are in the show notes.

Remember, you are not lost.

Your true soul identity is still there.

And the voice in your head isn’t always yours.

Question it.

I’ll see you next Tuesday.