Why Does Rejection Hurt So Much? Why You Need People to Like You (Episode 7)

Why does it feel so unbearable when someone doesn’t like you? Why do you feel like you’re not good enough if somebody doesn’t like you? Have you tried to change yourself in order for somebody to like you? What did that cost you?

Where does this come from? This need to be liked and this fear of rejection if you believe that somebody doesn’t like you or you know somebody doesn’t like you. Well, just like everything that I talk about, it comes from childhood. Childhood messages from family, society, and culture. So, what are those messages that

cause us to feel like we have to be liked or that if somebody doesn’t like us, then there’s something wrong with us. Well, think about what you’re taught as a child. You are expected to be nice, agreeable, polite. You are supposed to be easy to get along with, not hurt anybody’s feelings, and sometimes even

being pushed to include or be friends with people that we simply don’t like. I can remember as a child that there was a certain group of girls that I was pushed to be friends with. And I remember trying to do a lot of different things to change myself or my behaviors or my likes to be friends with them, to be included.

And it never worked. I was never really included with that group. And so I remember thinking that there was just something wrong with me because they didn’t accept me. Well, as I look back now, I can see that that group of girls that I was never really accepted with aren’t people whom I have anything in common with.

And aren’t even really people that I like because we are so different. But yet these people were supposedly from good families, which meant they had money, were supposedly well respected in the community, then I was supposed to be friends with them no matter what that cost was to me, no matter whether or not I liked them.

those things didn’t matter. Can you think about your childhood and groups of people or a certain person that you were kind of pushed to be friends with? I know that that happened very often for so many people.

I think that schools are often a place that teach us we’re supposed to be friends with everybody no matter what. I know that my son, multiple times by teachers, was told that they are all friends. We’re all friends. You’re friends with everybody. Okay, well, that just never sat with me. I understand that yes, my child needs to be kind and respectful to everyone.

But he does not need to or have to be friends with everyone. I mean, do you like everybody you work with? Do you like everybody that you come in contact with? No. That is not realistic. But I do think that a lot of maybe even parents, but teachers are teaching that these children are supposed to be friends with everyone and that you should get along with everyone. That that just

is not realistic, like I said, because there’s so many different personalities and different likes and all of that. And just because we are human and we are in a group together in some setting does not mean that we’re supposed to be friends and like everyone.

So we have kids learning from a very young age that being a good person means being liked and liking everyone else. Well, I’m sure a lot of you can imagine or know very well what that does. It pushes your own personality down, your own needs, your own wants, all of these things down.

And you present as a different person and it also can put you into situations that can be dangerous for one, but also can be really uncomfortable or just in situations or settings that you aren’t at peace because you don’t enjoy those people, but you’re supposed to like everyone. So

that gets pushed into your head so much that you stay within these groups and these settings that don’t fit for you.

But here’s the truth. We are not supposed to like everybody. That’s right. We are not supposed to like everybody. There are perfectly decent people who you don’t enjoy being around. That doesn’t make either person bad. You know, there are some really high energy, very, very extroverted people.

That I’ve been around that I don’t like because being around them exhausts me. It it puts me in a place where I feel like I have to be on and constantly responding to all of their questions and their chit chat and all of that. And it wears me out. I don’t like those kinds of people because it just doesn’t fit for me.

and my energy and my personality. That doesn’t mean that they’re a bad person or there’s something wrong with me. Because guess what? Those people probably don’t like being around me either. Because they may think I’m boring. They may feel like, you know, I don’t have excitement like them, that I don’t enjoy the same things as them. That’s perfectly okay.

We are different and we are not supposed to like everyone. That doesn’t mean that we can’t like somebody who is different than us, because we can, but it just does not make sense that we are supposed to like everyone.

So what does it do to us as adults? And it probably happens much before then. But when we are taught that we’re supposed to like everybody and that everybody is supposed to like us, what happens when somebody doesn’t like us? Then we start looking at how we are not good enough and our not good enough stuff gets bigger and bigger and bigger.

Because if they don’t like me, they’re supposed to. Everybody’s supposed to like me. We’re supposed to like everybody. What’s wrong with me? News flash. There’s nothing wrong with you because somebody doesn’t like you. You’re different. And different in ways that just don’t connect well together.

But let’s look at

When you perceive rejection, when you think that somebody doesn’t like you, when somebody’s tone changes with you, when they don’t text back as quickly or they don’t text at all. Maybe they seem quieter, they don’t invite you somewhere, they disagree with something that you said, and suddenly you’re replaying the interaction over and over.

To try to figure out what it is that you did wrong and what it is about you that is not good enough. You start thinking, my goodness, what did I do? Are they mad at me? Did I say something wrong? Do they not like me anymore? What happened? What what’s wrong? And we get that panic because we are perceiving rejection. And the root of that is.

Because we think everybody is supposed to like us. And we don’t know what to do if somebody doesn’t like us or we think that they don’t.

And sometimes when we start questioning the interactions and why did they do this? What did I do wrong? Why are they acting this way? All of those things that you know the inner critic is playing over and over and over in your head, guess what? Sometimes nothing actually happened. We are interpreting ambiguous behavior through the fear of rejection. And again, like I said a minute ago.

that is not good enough stuff you can be so afraid of being rejected that another aspect of that is that you become afraid to reject anyone else think about that are there people that you have met that just don’t work for you

And then you feel like there’s some part of you that has to make that work ’cause you you can’t reject them.

So you stay in that friendship that you don’t really want. You keep dating somebody when you already know that you’re not interested because you don’t want to end it to upset them. You might make excuses instead of saying, I don’t think we’re a good fit. You might even keep people close because telling the truth feels cruel and you don’t want to hurt their feelings.

But what does that mean about you and your feelings? yeah. That is telling you that your feelings don’t matter and you better shove that shit down. I mean, how does that work for you to continue not getting your needs met, for you to continue telling yourself either consciously or subconsciously that your feelings don’t matter? And so you continue being around somebody that is not enjoyable for you.

To protect them.

Is that really something that is good for them? I don’t think so. Now, that doesn’t mean that ending the friendship or ending the romantic relationship or whatever it is is going to be easy or that when you communicate that you want to have an end, that it’s going to be received well because that is rare. Why? Because we are taught that everybody should like us and we should like everybody else. So when that doesn’t work,

We don’t know what the hell to do with it. And so when somebody rejects us or lets us know they’re not interested in us or they don’t want to continue doing the activities with us that they used to do or or any of that, we get really offended and we forget that it is okay that they don’t like us, that it doesn’t mean there’s really something wrong with us.

But here’s the really interesting piece. And that is that often we want the freedom to decide who is right for our lives while struggling to accept that everyone else gets that same freedom.

Think about that. You know people whom you don’t want in your life for whatever reason that just don’t work for you. And you feel like that is okay for you to get to choose who you want in your life and who you don’t want in your life, who you get along with, who you don’t get along with, who you want to go and do these things with or not. You get to choose that and you’re okay with that, right?

So then why doesn’t somebody else get to choose that? And when somebody else chooses that, why do we then decide that their decision means something is wrong with us? So think about some times where somebody backed off of a relationship or ended a relationship or just told you that it wasn’t a good fit or

Started saying no to your invitations. What was the feeling for you? Was it panic? Did you text? Is something wrong? Are you mad at me? what’s going on? One of the things that I’ve often seen happen is that the other person then decides, well, I didn’t do anything. There’s probably something wrong with them because nobody’s supposed to reject me. Everybody’s supposed to like me.

So then I’ve had people then say, my gosh, Mary Beth, are you okay? Is there something wrong? Have you been sick? You know, what’s going on? Is there something I can do?

Because that is easier to assume that there’s something wrong with somebody else than to just be able to say, Hey, that person doesn’t care to be around me anymore and that is okay.

So think about the people who you have decided don’t really fit for you. Does that have to mean that they are bad people? No. Does it mean that sometimes they are? Yeah, it can. But really, we don’t have to make somebody bad just to not have them in our lives. We can just decide that they are not for us. And

We get to end that friendship, relationship, whatever it is, because it doesn’t work for us. Because continuing in that doesn’t do anybody any good. Now, I’m not saying that when you end this, that it’s gonna be easy for you or them because you may have feelings of guilt. And if that’s the case, remember it is okay. We are not supposed to like everybody. We are so different.

But the other piece of that that often pops up is that guilt of, my gosh, they’re gonna be mad or are they gonna be okay or what are they gonna say about me? You know, that is a common thing when you end a friendship or relationship that, you know, they go to other people and talk about you and they can create all these stories or, all of these different things. So there can be a lot of reasons and a lot of fear that goes into

whether or not you want to end it with somebody. And there’s no magic cure or, ABC or one, two, three in terms of how to navigate that. But what I say is

That when you end a relationship, friendship, whatever it is, that doesn’t work for you, you can’t control what somebody else is going to decide that that means about them. Because they have a whole life prior to this with an inner critic that has come from family, society, and culture telling them all of these other things that they are putting on.

that decision you’ve made to not be a part of their lives. And your decision may have nothing to do with that. It may, but either way, that is theirs to work on.

It is not a good relationship of any sort if you are not honest and you stay in it to protect somebody else’s feelings and you aren’t able to be authentic. They have to work through their own feelings or fear of rejection or perceived rejection or whatever it is that they feel when you choose to walk away from something that doesn’t feel right for you.

That is theirs to work on. And you can’t do it for them.

Before I wrap up, I also want to present it in a different way. And this is something that I kind of learned through romantic relationships, that when I end a relationship that is not good for me, that then allows that person to either do the work they need to do around the ending of the relationship and the feelings of that.

But it is also an invitation for them to find somebody else who is better suited for them.

Because continuing in relationships that are not good for each other and a place where everyone can be authentic and where everyone truly wants to be in the relationship isn’t good for anybody. So think about some of the times that people have walked away from a relationship with you or you have walked away from relationships with others. What is the message underneath?

that was playing in your mind about whether or not you should have done that, or what kind of person you were because of that, or what kind of person you were because somebody ended it with you or what all was wrong with you because you couldn’t make the relationship work or somebody ended it with you or you ended it with them. What are those messages that were in your mind and where did they come from?

I also want you to recognize that you shouldn’t aim for it to not hurt when somebody doesn’t like you. That’s unrealistic and it goes against human nature because we want to be liked for the most part. We’re taught we’re supposed to be, right? But rejection can hurt. And that’s okay. Let yourself feel the hurt and figure out what you need to move through it.

What if the goal can instead be, I can be disappointed that someone doesn’t like me without making their opinion evidence that something is wrong with me? I’m gonna repeat that. I can be disappointed that someone doesn’t like me without making their opinion evidence that something is wrong.

with me. So think about that as you move throughout the next week and you think about relationships you’ve been in and the ones that have ended or maybe even ones that you want to end now and you don’t know how to go about it. Just think on that. And as always, you are good enough. You always have been and you always will be.